Where fibreglass dinosaurs go to die

One further indulgence in the world of ugly life-sized models before our illustration-reviewing service resumes (Asher's got a corker coming up by the look of it, and I'll probably be able to squeeze a VDA out in the near future, too). Earlier in the year, Niroot and I visited Blackgang Chine to gawp at their newly mobile dinosaur collection. While a few of the old stodgy static models do remain, we did wonder - what happened to the rest, not least that most memorable of mascots, The World's Derpiest T. rex?

Well, Arron Swaffar, aka The Nutters Productions, found out...

One would've thought that Blackgang wouldn't miss out on the opportunity to make a crafty few quid by auctioning off bits of their beloved old dinosaurs, but no - here they are, broken up and heaped on a cliff top out of sight of the public. The film doesn't need disconcerting music and echoing voice samples to shock - for any fan of Blackgang and/or ugly '70s dinosaur models, this is heartbreaking stuff.

By the way, there really is an abandoned house in an area owned by the park - long since left behind in the face of unstoppable coastal erosion. And now it's haunted by a caveman family. Brrr...

The Illustrated Triassic Club

Oscar, Darwin, and Wallace

Several readers may recall Marc's having covered Blackgang Chine's The Triassic Club before. After our return this Easter to view the newly installed robosaurs of Restricted Area 5, I decided to finally complete this little project which I had actually begun a year ago, that of accurately illustrating the gentlemanly trio (which, for me, also meant accurate period garments, naturally). This was not only overdue but was especially necessary, since the inclement weather during the latter part of our Isle of Wight visit prevented me from drawing a dinosaur on Shanklin beach as I did last time.

All the drawings are art card size at 2.5 x 3.5 inches (so you're viewing them larger than actual size on screen). The lord and master of the trio, Darwin the Allosaurus was the first to have been drawn and completed last year. Louche, aristocratic and lasciviously suave to reflect his voice and speech. 'Come in. Oh, do come in...'

In completing the others this time round, I found myself unintentionally drawing them in greater detail and spending longer on each. Other than Darwin himself, we're never told which specific dinosaurs his companions are. Oscar the pianist is presumably an ornithomimosaur of some sort. He seems to have effectively become an extant ratite in this drawing, which is especially unavoidable when all one sees is his head and neck. I replaced the beer glass of the original model with a tankard. Whilst I've tried to keep the eyes of the others fairly avian in terms of their visible components, I deliberately drew Oscar's with a distinct iris and sclera to keep the wild-eyed, permanently alarmed expression of the original. It was too comical not to.

 I initially wondered if I could turn Wallace the butler into an Ornitholestes, given that his generic theropod appearance seemed to afford free rein, but I was reminded by Marc of the sickle claws on his feet. A dromaeosaur, then. I think he became my favourite drawing of the three. Though the new(er) audio recording of his voice is that of a squeaky, fretful, hapless underling, Marc informs me that he originally possessed an altogether loftier tone. I tried to reflect that slightly supercilious yet put-upon expression. 'The Master is expecting you. He's always expecting something. And guess who has to get it for him? Me, that's who!'


As a bonus, I thought I may as well share this, too. You are already familiar with our saurian portraits, but here are our avian ones (because I can, and because confusing people seems to be my fort�). Marc (the magpie) and I enduring that aforementioned inclement weather on Easter Sunday.

Restricted Area Five

After 42 years and countless family photos, Blackgang Chine's much-loved 'Dinosaurland' is no more. The majority of the park's endearingly grotesque and climbable fibreglass creations have, alas, gone the way of their living counterparts. However, this is not to say that the park has given up on saurian-themed clifftop gardens - rather, they've been busy developing a revamped Dinosaurland, one in which the creatures aren't content just to stand there looking less-than-pretty. That's right - they've only gone and bought a load of rubbery robosaurs. Welcome, then, to the enigmatically named Restricted Area 5...home to the some of the largest ugly dinosaurs in Britain! So it goes.

All photos by me, unless marked 'NP', in which case they're Niroot's.

Predictably, Restricted Area 5 is presented as a sort of low-rent Jurassic Park, complete with flashing red warning lights and inadequate 'electric' fences, although park owner Simon Dabell has sadly not been seen wandering the grounds in all-white garb and carrying a cane while affecting the appropriate accent. There's a decent array of robosaurs on offer, and they range from the respectable to the downright atrocious. For whatever reason - and it's probably to do with designers not feeling the need to 'monsterise' them - the herbivores fare better than the carnivores. Among the best is the below Iguanodon, which certainly has its problems (wot, no pinkies?) but is a decent effort.

NP

Nearby is a sad-looking (and very large) Pachycephalosaurus, capable only of waggling its head up and down and making mournful moaning noises. Here, Niroot tries to offer it some consolation. Meanwhile, a Stegosaurus just down the way, while looking permanently startled, is still not as bad as all that - various features of its anatomy might be Plain Wrong, but it's a fetching model nevertheless (I'm sure the paint job helps a lot), and benefits from a particularly spectacular vantage point.

RA5's centrepiece is a gigantic sauropod (below), which (along with every other robosaur) remains frustratingly unidentified in the attraction, but has been named in the press as Argentinosaurus. It's odd that none of the dinosaurs have labels; although anyone with the slightest interest in dinosaurs will be able to spot what most of them are supposed to be, there are one or two oddities that take a little guesswork. One gaggle of small theropods (that wave their arms about and emit JP Dilophosaurus noises) appear to be Ornitholestes, based on their approximate size and erroneous 1990s-style nose horn, but it's impossible to say exactly. While a little frustrating, it might be for the best, in the end - without any museum-like labels, the attraction sheds all educational pretensions, making it apparent that the whole thing's just a bit of fun. Or quite a lot of fun, as it happens.

NP

One of the Ornitholestes-things.

The sheer size of the Argentinosaurus does impress, and I appreciate the row of dermal spines - a rare example of aesthetic flair on a model such as this. The towering height of the beast allows it to be seen, looming above the treetops, from the other side of the park. What with the cliffs of the Isle of Wight's southern coastline forming the backdrop, it's certainly quite a sight (it helps that the model looks, shall we say, more convincing from a distance).

The park's other truly giant star attraction is a honking great Tyrannosaurus, which at 16 metres from nose to tail is rather bigger even than the real deal. Clearly JP-based, it boasts hilarious googly eyes (with blinking mechanism), horribly deformed legs, and what seems to be a plantigrade posture. It's a real hoot to be around, particularly as the park have cunningly given its growling enough rumbling bass to dislodge fillings and cure any constipation among park guests.

It begs the question: why not just have a T. rex sit-standing on its feet, bird-style?

Hello everyone. NP

A typically Blackgang sense of humour is maintained throughout RA5. Various signs warn of the danger of literally losing one's head to a dinosaur bite, while another advertises the precarious position of 'T. rex keeper'. Unfortunately, they are sure to enrage dino-nerds everywhere by putting an apostrophe in T. rex. An apostrophe! What fresh madness is this!?

Insert 'Hitler reacts to Blackgang T. rex signage' Youtube poop here.

RA5's other theropods are, alas, predictable robosaur dreck. Naked dromaeosaurs (that make cougar sounds) are one, sadly predictable, thing, but a spitting Dilophosaurus with a bloody frill is quite another. IT WAS TWENTY-ONE YEARS AGO, GUYS. If there's one thing to be said for the Dilopho-thing, it does allow for a good photo opportunity (see below).

I've got one up on Nedry. NP

Awful model, FANTASTIC view. Two things that rarely go hand-in-hand, but that's Blackgang for you

Overall, RA5 is a worthy addition to Blackgang - a fittingly kitsch and silly update to the beloved Dinosaurland that's sure to entertain the park's many visitors from now until the time when the models tumble into the sea below (or their rubbery skins fall to bits - whichever is sooner). While it's sad to see the old Blackgang dinos go, a park like this can't trade on nostalgia forever, and one can hardly blame them for wanting to have something novel to pull in the punters.

That said, a small number of the old models do remain, and are just as popular (mostly as improvised climbing frames) as they always were. Among them is what I have christened 'Stegoslug', the hideous, sprawling stegosaur with a plain adorable face, alongside the Polacanthus, Scolosaurus and (for whatever reason) Doedicurus. Some things just never change.

NP

 One last thing worth mentioning...this pterosaur. Its face. That is all.

Blackgang Chine: Part 2: The old Triassic Club

In addition to its vintage 'Dinosaurland', Blackgang Chine has one other major Mesozoic-themed attraction. Much like the giant, brightly-coloured fibreglass mushrooms (occasionally with faces) that dot the hillside in various areas of the park, it is quite delightfully unhinged. Step right this way!

The Triassic Club was first 'discovered' in 1994, following a major landslide that necessitated the relocation of several major attractions (including a replica cowboy town). As is usual at Blackgang, the premise is explained by way of a pleasingly silly rhyme.

Lots of people have drawn dinosaurs in rather gentlemanly outfits, presumably because it's a vision that never ceases to be hilarious. Blackgang went one better, and stocked the Triassic Club with full-size robot beasts decked out in formal finery. Guests are greeted by Wallace, the butler, who complains witheringly about the master's demanding nature. He also requests that you kindly weigh yourself on a set of scales that denote which course of the feast you are most suited to becoming.

Once weighed, it's time to move on to the next room where the master awaits! He introduces himself as Darwin the Allosaurus - "whom some have the cheek to call the 'other lizard'" - and intones in a louche, aristocratic manner that his guests "sssmell sssscrumptioussss". Requesting that the starter come forward, he nevertheless rejects the notion of eating any vegetarians, explaining that they tend to stick in his teeth.

At a nearby piano - and apparently enjoying a hearty ale - is Oscar, whose wide-eyed, stern facial expression is just priceless. When realising that his drawling, salivating monologue isn't winning his guests over to the idea of becoming lunch, Darwin laments that he'll have to sing for his supper again. And so Oscar strikes a chord...

(You might have to turn your volume up a bit, sorry!)


I've always enjoyed this attraction. Except when I was a small child, when the idea of a leering, toothy dinosaur speaking in a haughty aristocratic accent scared the hell out of me. Granted, the animatronics are hardly Disney-calibre, but then it wasn't made on that kind of budget (and it's getting old). One final thing worth mentioning - before a refurb a couple of years back Darwin had a different soundtrack that was actually far creepier. Happily, someone's uploaded it for posterity! Enjoy!